Hi D,
I just wanted to say I really enjoyed where you’re going with this mix….I’m looking forward to the hearing the completed version.

Cheers,

n9

For me it sounds great. I would add an instrumental break at the (current) end to finish with the chorus again. I’d also add an intro instead of opening right with the vocals; I think I’d use the backing synth for that (or some variation of it).
You can easily add up till 3 minute length or so.

Well, I’m clearly not in the group of “most experienced remixers” here but that are my ideas… :)